Can You Hear Me Now!?

Wow... all I can say is wow.  And no, I'm not playing World of Warcraft.  I did yesterday, but that's beside point.  No, what I'm in shock and awe over is how incredibly out of practice I am at this whole writing thing.  I mean, finding your own voice and translating that to paper (or computer for you new age techno-hippies) is super tough.  I keep asking myself why it was so much easier in high school and college.  Then I remember, I was an angsty, emo teenager and that always flows well onto the page.

On the other hand, what's happened to my creativity?  Has it shriveled up and died like the plant rotting in the corner of my apartment from total neglect?  Did I get so consumed with doing what was necessary or what was expected that I lost a piece of myself in the corporate mire that was Bank of America?  I mean, what the hell dude!?  I've been sick (again, ugh) this last week and kept staring at the few paragraphs I managed to get down on a Word document and now... nothing.  I'm not sure how I really feel about what's already written and I have no idea what to write next.  It sucks too, cause I can see the sequence of events I want to convey so clearly in my head, but when I go to describe them I'm suddenly aware of the gaps in my perfect image and I'm so confused about which pieces of what I'm seeing should be described and in what detail and... ACK!

It probably doesn't help that I've been reading the posts on http://www.runningnekkid.com/.  Celeste manages to make the act or writing (or at least the finished product) seem so effortless.  I know she struggles too, but just look at what she's managed to accomplish and how beautifully written and precise her posts are.  Not to mention there is a clear voice there.  Her voice.  Every time I read something she's written I can hear her speaking as clearly as if we were laughing and poking fun at my fat.  (not literally poking though, I don't like to be poked by anything... haha!  Gay joke!)

So what is it?  I'm dying to know what it is that's keeping me from finishing even a full page of my story and it's been weighing on me pretty heavily this last week.  I've settled on a couple explanations.  One of which is obvious and was mentioned earlier:  I simply haven't exercised my creative muscle in such a long time that's gonna take time and a good amount of effort to get going again.  Hence, this post.  Because if I can't bitch about not being creative in a somewhat creative way on my own blog then all hope is lost.  The other explanation is a little harder to admit... fear.  Celeste put a voice to this for me when I was present for the posting of one of the entries on her website.  I called her psycho and crazy of course for espousing a fear about the reception of her thoughts, but she does have a point.  What if they don't like it?  Even worse, what if I send something out and fail? *gasp*  That's a big one.  My life up to this point has been riddled with examples of me opting for safer choices because of a fear of failure.  And it was drilled into me by my parents that I always need to make the right choices, have the right answers, and if things seem too risky or if you want do something seemingly stupid (from my parent's perspective of course) then you just don't do it.

But I don't want to succumb to fear.  I've got the whole pioneering spirit thing going on since I quit my job without having another one lined up.  So I'm gonna do this dammit!  And I prescribe the following to myself: 1.  Get out of the house and go for a walk every time I get stuck to clear my head,  2.  Don't only write at the house but venture to other locations,  3.  Mix photography, music, and writing... not sure how yet, but I'm working on it, and 4.  Stop telling myself I'm not creative or I'm broken.  After all, if I wasn't creative I wouldn't have come up with a story to write in the first place.  I just need to expand my vocabulary somewhat and exercise that creative muscle.

I should also probably exercise my real muscles, but that's a whole other battle and I'm already busy. :)

Insomnia Monster

Insomnia and writers block.  That's what's been going on this last week.  I've made no progress on the comic book or anything for that matter.  This is even the 5th incarnation of this post.  I just can't seem to get started for some reason.  Maybe it's the Yakima energy lingering on me, maybe the insomnia and writers block are just feeding each other in an attempt to drive me absolutely ugh.

I guess I'll just say I had a nice birthday and a good visit with my parents last week in Yakima.  We watch the Ten Commandments on TV every year at Easter and this year was no exception.  I've only made it through the televised version a couple times in my life since they draw the movie out with 18 billion hours of commercials.  This year, none of us were able to finish... YAY!  My birthday was filled with cake, ice-cream, and family drama.  My sister's marital problems and relationship patterns (the fact that she does the same thing every time she wants to leave a guy) were center stage.  It certainly made for an interesting day and I think my sister was / is pissed at me cause she didn't even acknowledge me the next day... again... YAY!  It's my turn though, I've steered clear of family drama for awhile now, so my number's up.

Other than that my week has been uneventful.  I finished reading the Hunger Games trilogy.  Super awesome series.  I took issue with only a couple of things and I'm still shocked *SPOILER ALERT* that they actually killed Prim in the third book.  Katniss ended up going through all that hell to keep her safe from the Capitol only to have her killed by an ally... that's shitty.

Ok, I need to go try some writing exercises I remember from my creative writing class to see if that helps break this streak I have going.

Much Ado About... Whatever

I hate falling asleep early in the evening.  Not only did I not get to do what I wanted to do last night, but now I feel old for falling asleep at 5:30 last night... and fat, I feel fat too like some fatty mcfat fat that has to nap every 2 hours.  So here I am old beyond my years... and fat.

So my 29th birthday this coming Wednesday.  For some reason I think this is going to be a make or break year for me.  I'm starting my own projects, trying to do my own thing, and eventually I hope to be wookin pa nub in all the right places.  Or it could all totally fail and I'll die old, miserable, and alone... and fat.

I crack myself up.  Today's gonna be a good day :)